Disney TV: Part 1 - Cartoons

It is without question that Disney's line up of television shows played as much a part of my life growing up as their movies did. Even on a more consistant level than the movies as there was barely a day that went by without at least one of their programs being on TV. While there was and are a handful of programs that were, less than stellar, there were just as many that excelled in their creativity and fun. Some of them are considered "obscure" for some reason I could never figure. Some of them were not very good, but at least there was an attempt made. Whatsmore is how great it is to watch the programming evolve with more savvy audiences while still appealing to children. There are plenty of options when it comes to choosing which shows to talk about, and for the sake of simplicity we'll talk about solely cartoons in this article, and then live action shows in the next. 

 I cannot find a better place for me to start when it comes to Disney cartoons than one of my favorite shows when I was growing up, but one that no one ever seems to remember being on. Yet I have vivid memories of enjoying it on TV, and even one or two of the stuffed animals it was based on. In fact I had to look up the show on the internet just to make sure I didn't imagine the entire thing in some sort of fever pitch. The Wuzzles. A group of characters that were two animals mixed into one, giving way to character names such as Bumble-Lion, Rhino-Key, and Butter-Bear. The names weren't the most original but it was a cute cartoon with a hell of an amazing opening title song.

                                         Enjoy the trip Hillal, Hillal, Hillal, Hillal...

For the most part they were harmless, essentially getting into very standard adventures and misunderstandings. It was someone's birthday and they thought everyone forgot but in actuality they were planning a party the entire time.  Something of importance went missing so they blamed the one that can't stop joking around especially since they warned him about taking jokes too far.  Not Pulitzer award winning material but enough to entertain a child or two in the afternoon.  Of course they needed a foil who would act more like a bully than a true threatening menace. Enter Crocosaur and his two henchmen.  Now as based in reality as it may be for a kangaroo to be spliced with an elephant this is where the show takes a hard right that requires a lot of suspension of disbelief. Crocosaur is a cross between a crocodile and a dinosaur and his two henchmen, well one if a cross between a frog and a lizard, the other is a cross between a warthog and a dragon.  At this point I'm sure a lot of viewers left the show, asking Disney to please not insult their intelligence with dragons and dinosaurs thrown into the mix.  All together the show was very cute and had just the right mixture of characters that could appeal to both boys and girls. They had strong morale lessons and weren't nearly as ridiculous a cartoon as The Shirt-Tails.

From here the quality of Disney's ability to make outstanding television only improved as their next show took to the air, Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears.  I never was able to find out how or why the name gummi bear was chosen for the title and the description of our heroes.  Did Haribou reach out to Disney?  Are we to associate the different loveable Bears from the show to our favorite flavor and desire to eat them?  Did Disney just like the name, gummi bear?  Who owns the rights to that way of spelling it?  I'm willing to bet it's Disney. 

Now.

This is yet another example of how fantastic the opening titles to shows used to be. Gummi Bears had a hellaciously awesome opening song that told you just about everything you needed to know about the show before you even got started. This show served as a great gateway to the world of fantasy. As someone who would grow up to like LORD OF THE RINGS, HARRY POTTER, etc. Gummi Bears was the perfect way to scratch that itch as a child. The adventures they found themselves were pretty dire. A lot more dangerous than the ones Wuzzles or Muppet Babies would find themselves in. Their main mission was to constantly thwart Duke Igthorn's attempts to usurp the crown of the king. The problem was, Igthorn had at his disposal an army of trolls who posed a direct threat to the gummi bears as they were constantly on the prowl for the secret of gummiberry juice. A potion that makes the bears bounce around like they were made of rubberized springs, but grants super strength to humans. It was the first time I can remember there being a villain that you should actually be afraid of. Yes, he was a bufoon and mostly played for comic effect, but the threat he posed was real and evil. I like to think of The Gummi Bears as the pioneer cartoon that lead the way to so many of the great shows that would follow. I've also thought about nothing but Gummi Bears for the past twenty minutes, and now I really want a package of them.

Namely, DUCKTALES. Do I even have to mention the theme song again? Let's just assume from this point on that all the shows have amazing intro titles. Ducktales introduced us to the little known character Scrooge McDuck. Who enjoyed a long run in Disney comics and comic books, but was brought thundering into the lime light when he was Ebenezer Scrooge in Disney's Christmas Carol. Ducktales follows the rich tycoon as he inherits his three grand-nephews from their Uncle Donald when he decides to make good on his sailing know-how and joins the Navy. Along with the nanny Scrooge hired to watch them, and her granddaughter Webby they face all sorts of odds against the Beagle Boys who are constantly trying to break into his money vault. (honestly, Scrooge's vault had better protection on it than any governmental cache of gold or money. After the umpteenth time trying to break in you would think they would move on. But I guess they're the deffinition of the "never say die" spirit.) Magica DeSpell who wanted nothing but the first dime Scrooge ever made so she could use it for a magic spell. Flintheart Glomgold who was the second richest duck in Ducksburgh and desperately wants to be the first. Thankfully, besides a handful of children and an aging nanny Scrooge has on his side two of the best characters to ever be invented in Disney history. Launchpad McQuack and Fenton Crackshell. Two very vastly different characters with a wide variety of attributes. But both of them with qualities that befitting the heroes that they are. Launchpad is a pilot who has yet to land a plane successfully but is loyal and brave to his friends and employer. Fenton started his life as a literal bean counter. He counted beans that went into jars for sale to make sure the counts were accurate. Only after he stumbled upon the Gizmo Duck suit created by Gyro Gearloose did he become an unstoppable wrecking machine of calamity. With no hesitation, Gizmo Duck is by far one of my favorite characters. When the three part episode of his introduction aired I was beside myself. He's the right combination of cool and calamity. He took everything that was right about Inspector Gadget and left out all the annoying garbage that made that particular show unwatchable. Ducktales at the time, reinvented the way cartoons were represented. It was a cool and fun and funny show to watch and if you were partaking in it you weren't that far removed from the rest of the people who were. The show kind of jumped the shark for a bit when they introduced cave duck Bubba and his triceratops Trixie back through time. But, considering its a cartoon you can let them get away with it. Ducktales were the lynchpin of the series of cartoons that made up Disney Afternoons during the week. There was such a positive reaction to the cartoon and its brand of adventure and fun that it lead to the company taking even bigger risks. Including a very unlikely one with a classic Disney duo that would have otherwise flown completely under the radar.

To me, CHIP & DALE'S RESCUE RANGERS will always be the Tom Sellicks of Disney. A) The both of them are just as cool as Tom Sellick. B) Chip is clearly Indiana Jones and Dale is clearly Thomas Magnum. (Tom Sellick of course having been offered the role of Indy before Harrison Ford) This show presented an episodic program that had perfected the team work aspect that so many cartoons around this time were trying to capitalize on. Chip and Dale were joined by new cast members, Monterey Jack, Gadget, and Zipper and fought against such classic foils as Professor Nimnul, and Fat Cat. (Who by the way sits atop my work computer.)

 In all seriousness though, this show really should have been called the Jim and Tress show as Jim Cummings and Tress MacNeille did just about every voice on the show. I would have loved to have seen one of those recording sessions and envy anyone who has. The show by and large tested the boundries of friendship in a very real way. The Rescue Rangers each had very different and strong personalities. Because of this they would frequently get on each other's nerves and occasional riffs would emerge. Which was could be expected with people in true working/friendship relationships. But because of their dedication to the cause and each other they were always willing to work out their differences in the end. Which was a much needed lesson for most youths who were watching. It was also not short on comedy. Chip and Dale proved themselves one of the most humerous of Disney's duos and Rescue Rangers permitted them the chance to showcase that comedy.

With the success of Rescue Rangers Disney would go on to prove that there were capable of taking very unlikely characters and creating a compelling, and dynamic show around them. Imagine the pitch day when the creators went to the heads and said, Remember loveable old Baloo from the Jungle Book? What if we made him the pilot of a sea plane and he frequently gets in trouble from the likes of Air Pirates? Also, King Louie? He'll own a nightclub and the deadly tiger Sher Kahn that everyone hated? He'll be the local business tycoon. What an outlandish idea! Who knew that it would become one of the more successful of the Disney Afternoon cartoons? TALESPIN features Baloo, joined by young daredevil Kit Cloudkicker took the sky with great success, and charm. Don Karnage is probably one of the best villains to ever come down the pike in a while and the ever present, seemingly omipotent coniving and ruthlessness of Sherk Khan gave every minute of every episode and unexpected amount of pending dread. The dog fights that the air pirates would initiate brought back the charm and wonder the world seemed to have with flying during the 1930's and 40's. When fying was about adventure instead of packing people like tuna into modern day rocket buses. Baloo was a fine enough role model. Brave, and loyal to a fault. He valued his friendship but mostly treasured his freedom, which often put him at odds with Rebecca, the woman who bouught Baloo's business from him when his company went into forclosure. But even though he regards Rebecca as more of a boss than a friend he is always protective of her safety and feelings, looking out for her best interests even if they clashed with his. He was a great serrogate father for Kit who desperately needed guidance and attention, bringing him aboard as his navigator. Of all the cartoon offerings, this show by and large was the most well designed of the bunch. Everything from the planes, to the buildings, and costumes the characters wore was a throwback to an art deco age of America pre-World War II. I would go so far to say that the only other show that could trump its overall design was BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES

But now we come to it. My afternoon, nay day, could not be called complete until I got to watch what may be my favorite Disney Television Show of all time. The history behind it is just as fascinating as the show it would eventually become. Where at first the show Double-O-Duck was initially planned to be a leading project for Launchpad McQuack from DUCKTALES fame it began to evolve to a point where maybe Launchpad wasn't quite ready to be the star of the show. What evolved was a character who would take on elements of Batman and The Shadow. As fate would have it, Ian Fleming's family owned the title "Double-O" so the name was dropped and changed, into DARKWING DUCK I could prattle on for hours about how absolutely fantastic this show is. Darkwing himself aka Drake Mallard is very much your a-typical crime fighter. It's hard to pinpoint when and where he decided to don a mask and lock heads with evil doers as he seems to have a different origin tale every time he tells it. He seems to be in the business to feed his extravageantly large ego. Is to fill in the void of an otherwise meek and unassuming normal life? Possible. But that's a hard argument to make as Darkwing, even after foiling villains time and again, gains no accolades from any of the citizenry of Saint Canard. But that doesn't prevent Drake from making morally strong decisions. The compass of his heart is always pointed true North. Even to the extent that the role he plays in his "normal" life could arguably be more heroic than the actions he takes on the street. Choosing to adopt and make a family with nine year old orphan Goslyn is just about the most heroic thing Drake had ever accomplished. His love for his daughter is so profound that losing her, or having any sort of harm come to her is really the only thing he is afraid of.

The Darkwing Duck rouges gallery also had equally amazing and compelling villains, like Megavolt, Quackerjack, Bushroot, Taurus Bulba, Steelbeak, and of course Negaduck. Each one varied with a list of motives and identities so original that you marvel at the ability of the writers to keep them all so vastly different from each other. Launchpad even makes it into the fray as Darkwing's sidekick. Having left the employ of Scrooge McDuck for some undisclosed reason, he starts off as a massive fanboy but quickly earns his spot beside Darkwing as a most trustworthy and loyal companion. Although it always struck me odd that the villains who so desperately wanted to know who Darkwing was, never just followed Launchpad (who wore no disguise during their adventures) around and see who he spends most of his time with. But I suppose you can't go down those roads of reasoning. Dana Gould once explained to Frank Darabont that the actions of Indiana Jones during Raiders, was unnecessary. Indy was sent to find the ark to keep it out of the hands of the Nazis. He fails. The Nazis get the ark, the Nazis open the ark, the ark protects himself. Exactly what would have happened had Indy not gone on his adventure. To which Frank Darabont responded, "Oh you can't go down those roads."

Darkwing was the epitomy of everything that had come before it. Taking the best of its predeccesors and really giving the world something special. There were other great shows on during this time as well, like Goof Troop and the MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH (A show that gaurunteed to make even the hartiest of men weep should an episode decide to feature Eeyore) and those were fine shows as well. Choosing not to focus so much on heroes and villains, but to bring to light more family based difficulties and problems. As hard as it was to grasp at the time and as ironic as it would seem, DARKWING DUCK appeared to be the swan song of the classic Disney Afternoon cartoon.

Other shows would follow but none ever seemed to be able to hold a candle up to the greatness of its ancestors. BONKERS seemed to be their attempt to make a Roger Rabbit-esque show in which a human detective would have to investigate goings ons in toontown, but that was wildly confusing because the human, was a cartoon himself. At least during the show he was. 

   

  MARSUPILAMI Just puzzled me as I never found it particularly entertaining or clever. GARGOYLES brought some much needed edgieness as the audiences were growing up, and it was deffinitely one of Disney's better offerings. But it quickly became a show where if you missed just one episode you were terribely disconnected from the story. ALADDIN brought to life some very classic stories and new villains. Using a lot of the middle-eastern lore there was much inspiration. And Dan Castellaneta provided the voice of Genie in Robin Williams' absence and it was great to hear tones of Homer emerge every now and again.

The Mighty Ducks wasn't terrible, but wasn't highly inspired either. KIM POSSIBLE and AMERICAN DRAGON offered fresh new voices and characters, but it seemed to me as if as an adult I wasn't likely to find another cartoon to enjoy again from the Disney name.

Then along came GRAVITY FALLS.

 A brilliant piece of art that is highly original, and extremly funny. We follow fraternal twins, Dipper and Mabel Pines as they venture to Gravity Falls, Oregon to spend the summer with their Great Uncle Stan. While up there, a great many deeds are undertaken that involve extraordinary and supernatural forces. The writing is brilliant, the acting is inspired and the characters are destined to be classics. But more than that it brings with it a huge and seemingly imposing back story that is full of mystery and wonder. Having come off of watching six disappointing seasons of LOST I swore to myself that I would never ever let myself get sucked into a show chock full of mystery and intrigue again. But dang if Gravity Falls didn't succeed in doing that. There is so much great about this show, I really hope that more people give it the attention if duely deserves.

Perhaps the best part of living in the here and now, is that all these great shows, and the ones that aren't mentioned can be watched as enjoyed as you please. The shows I loved growing up can be shared and passed on to my son who I hope will get as much out of them as I did. The men and women who worked tirelessly to bring such quality entertainment cannot be thanked enough, and if you have been away from one of these for a while you would do well by yourself to re-visit them. Unlike so many of the cartoons that were one when I was young, the Disney cartoons hold up the best. On the next article, we'll talk about Disney's live action offerings.

Music ~ala~ Disney

One thing that cannot be denied is that Disney has some of the most memorable, and influential music library of all times. From the Sherman Bros. all the way up to Alan Menken, Phil Collins, and Randy Newman have found a way to enahnce if not save every movie they've touched. There are some movies in the Disney archives that would not even register a blip on a radar if it weren't for the music. Then there are some movies that are great pieces or art that are then overshadowed by powerful the music end up being. And of course, there are a few where the music can't do anything to save the train wreck.

Hercules is a perfect example of how the music keeps this movie from dissolving into nothingness. All together this movie is pretty bad. Why Disney attempted to translate the story of Heracles into a ninety minute kids movie is beyond me. A mythological tale full of violence, and sex toned down for the kiddies? Mmm. No. If you need further proff that this should have been skipped, think back to the movie 300. That was a nice kids tale right? Full of beheadings, and sex, and gore. What did Dilios say about their ancestry? That the Spartans were decendants of Heracles? That's the kind of person Disney wanted to make a movie about but what ended up happening instaead, was Disney telling their version of Superman rather than Heracles. Hades tries to kill little baby Hercules so that he can rule Olympus and the baby ends up on Earth where two old farmers who weren't blessed with kids find him and adopt him. The baby is unusually strong and they must work hard to keep his power underwraps. One day he finds out he's not from Earth and decides he must venture forward to find his destiny. Any of this sound familiar yet? Let's not even talk about him conversing with a holographic version of his father, or that he ends up wearing a cape.

                                         Lois Lane has definitely seen better days.

Generally it's pretty forgetable. You've got a pretty good performance by James Woods, and Susan Egan who was Disney's go-to girl after her run as Belle on Broadway. Even Danny DeVito playing Danny DeVito isn't all that bad. But the story is just so blase and done before. So why should we ever really visit this movie again? Because the music is pretty damn good. Alan Menken channeled his Little Shop of Horrors self and wrote a pretty up-tempo, soulful soundtrack. "Zero to Hero" is a damn fine song, as well as "I Won't Say I'm In Love". A young Roger Bart belts out a heart lifting solo with "Go The Distance". It really made me wonder about how much the music may have influenced the film. Did Menken turn in some songs before or during the writing and design process? The design of the characters and scenery works with the music and the tone of the story fits well enough.  Why they didn't have Hades by James Woods have any fun with a song is beyond me though. It could have been a highlight of the film if it were the right one. He's the god of death!  Tell me there was no one who would have joyed writing that song for him!  All together it had a very rushed quality to it but the few songs that do make into the soundtrack almost make it worth sticking around for.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame however, could not be saved by any music at all. It has a pretty gothic sound which matches the artistic design and the setting of the story but for the most part everything about it is pretty forgetable.  Every number is big, and flashy, and sung with the gusto of a Broadway show like Les Miz.  Almost as if Disney saw the success they had with Beauty and the Beast hitting broadway and then started making movies that would have potential Broadway appeal.  I guess the part they forgot about was the Hunchback is one of the most tragic, soul splittingly, mind numbing!yo depressing stories ever crafted!  The story by Victor Hugo makes his other novel, Les Miserables look like an adventure by The Berenstein Bears.  To be fair to the roots Disney did go above and beyond the call when asked to make this thing creepy. The Archdeacon Frollo played by the late Tony Jay was given a song at the end of act two that essentially described all the ways he wanted penetrate the gypsy Esmerellda.  The last time I was that unsettled by an animated movie was when I saw Cool World with my mom.  The release of this movie was most likely to blame for ushering in the era of disenchantment with the traditional Disney musical. The quality of the songs and the quality of the movie were just not up to par.  

Now for my money, there are three Disney soundtracks I could listen to at any time of any day.  The quality, the performance, and the journey they take you on are absolutely worth it.  Now believe it or not, the first of which is the soundtrack to A Goofy Movie.  A roadtrip movie where a father comes to terms with the finite amount of time left in his son's childhood, and where a son learns that as he changes and grows he can always count on his dad to be there. There are two great pop songs sung by Tevin Camobell as the character Powerline, but the majority of the soundtrack is supplied by Bill Farmer and Aaron Lohr as Goofy and Max.  It's hard to pick just one, but the song Nobody Else But You is my favorite. It's just good stuff, a song that reaffirms that even though the two of them have been through the worst life has to throw at them there is no one else they would rather be with.  As a new Disney father, I can't wait to share this movie with my boy.  

                                        I just hope I'm half the dad Goofy is.

The second one is, The Country Bears, a movie that is more a guilty pleasure than anything.  It's not a particularly good movie, but it does have a lot of things going for it that bring me around to adoring it.  It's got Stephen Root, Alex Rocco, Christopher Walken, and Diedrich Bader in the cast. The costumes were created by Muppet Studios, and it's got a soundtrack chock full of John Hiatt!  Straight to the Heart of Love is the feather in the cap of the soundtrack and the movie.  But everything else is gold too.  John Hiatt sings just about every song and there's no doing better than John Hiatt. Brian Setzer gets in on the action too performing a fuel between his guitar and Zeb's fiddle. As crazy as it sounds it's actually really fun to listen to.   In a movie where a line like "Beeeeeaaaarrrr Power!" Is said with conviction, you would almost need to have the soundtrack kick ass to make up for everything else. 

Finally, we reach The Princess and the Frog. A generally panned movie which is completely beyond my comprehension.  There was so much that they got right in this movie, I don't know how a movie like Tangled was ever able to over shadow it. Despite it just being an all together great film, this thing is absolutely packed with amazing songs. From start to finish there isn't one wasted bit of music. From the opening song, to the closing everyone gets something to do and it's all brilliant. David Kieth singing Friends on the Other Side (which was the song that SHOULD have been nominated that year) and Jennifer Lewis singing Dig a Little Deeper (another song that should have been nominated) will both fill you with wonder, hope, and a bit of fear. The soul of New Orleans also comes to life in the music. The Dixieland Jazz, the twang of the bayou and everything in between. All of it is represented beautifully.  Even if you hated the movie, you owe it to yourself to listen to the music one more time,  it's such a beautiful piece of art.

THE 10 WORST DISNEY FATHERS

For every outstanding father you can bet there's a lousy one right behind him. When it comes to these fathers in particular they certainly do their best to be good parents but they fall so short of competent that its borderline criminal. Here are the worst parents the Disney universe has to offer.

10: KING FARGUS BRAVE

Here's a man who truly enjoys being king, and also enjoys being a dad. His problem? He only likes the fun parts of each job. When it comes to actually ruling the kingdom or making difficult decisions? He passes it off to his wife. The long standing tradition of marrying off their daughter but she's gone rebel base on us for having the gall to do so? Her mom can worry about it. He can't even keep the damn dogs tied up while they're trying to have dinner! He's known as the Great Bear King and hunts the animals for fun. A bear is exactly what his daughter Merida accidentally transforms the queen into. She tried to explain this to him but all he can do is try to kill it. I agree its a little far-fetched for a man to believe his daughter when she says mom's a bear now, but come on! They're living in Medieval Scotland! They blamed magic for colds and sore feet.

Worst yet, when Merida and her mom run away and his own triplet sons have turned into bears themselves and have hidden in the castle he doesn't seem to notice. He'd rather row with the boys in the main hall. Clearly Fargus has earned the throne by his strength and tenacity. He's played the game of thrones and won, but when it comes to being an attentive parent who keeps his children safe? Fail.

9: THE GREAT KING OF THE FOREST BAMBI

Do bucks hang around to raise their young with the doe they knock up? I have no idea, I failed animal husbandry in high school. I do know that this particular doe was sexed up by the King of the Forest. A great king I'm sure he must be, but from this dude's perspective he more a deadbeat dad than anything else. When he was missing for the first part of the movie, was he in Florida?

So this deer gives birth to his heir, the one who will inherit the responsibility of just kind of walking around aimlessly and the king takes off. He leaves Bambi to be raised by mom who (spoiler alert) has her brains scooped from her head by a hunter's bullet twenty minutes into the tale. That's when dad decides its time to do something. After his son has been through one of the traumatizing events to ever befall anything. Why the hell wasn't he charging down the hunters? I've seen the youtube videos, deer do that. And by the way, what asshole hunters are hunting does? Isn't that illegal or something? Everytime I play deer hunter at my movie theater I get a life taken away if I accidentally shoot a doe. So now with mom dead, dad decides its tim for the weeks old Bambi to quit acting like a bitch, and man up for God's sake! Your mom's dead kid, you're stuck with me! Which filled Bambi to no end with comfort I'm sure. You wanna know how he survived that fight at the end of the movie? He was thinking of his lousy father.

8: MR. PORTER TARZAN

"Oh, my daughter has fallen in love with this rippling ape-man of the jungle. We were on a ship on our way home to London where they have things like penicillin and houses. But she's in love, what am I to do? I guess I'll just live in the jungle with her. After all, I've wanted to study apes my whole life. And when I say study I mean I wanted to live with them, share their meals, and their diseases. I wasn't doing it to help preserve their species by proving their not the wild monsters we've seen them portrayed as. I've always secretly wanted to live in the jungle while my daughter swings recklessly around with a man who wouldn't know how to set a broken bone if you explained it to him.

We can all believe in the fantasy of true love conquering all, its fun to buy into it. You know what love can't conquer though? Malaria, appendicitis, scarlet fever. There's plenty of people who back in the day tried to love their loved ones through that, wanna know where they ended up? No you don't. At the end of their jolly adventure through the jungle Mr. Porter is just fine with daughter leaving the ship bound for home to stay with her king of the jungle. He jealously looks on before deciding that he is better off living there as well. Which is what I'm sure Tarzan wanted, his future father-in-law living in the tree across from his while he's laying pipe.

7: SIMBA THE LION KING II SIMBA'S PRIDE.

Everything you need to know is pretty much said, right there in the title. Simba's Pride. Meaning that everything his fater Mufasa was, Simba is not. You would think the events that lead him to overthrowing his uncle and reclaiming Pride Rock would have taught him something in humility and not judging others before you get to know them. Nope. He's had a daughter with Nala, and is showing her the kingdom when the come across the bastard son of Scar, Kovu. Suddenly Simba goes all clan dad and tells Kiara she's to stay away from him at all costs. Even though the kid didn't do anything. Oh yeah, Kovu is a kid. No older than Simba was the day Musfasa died. Here's our benevolent lion king, making judgements and snap decisions based on a past that Kovu had nothing to do with.

Did you leave your white hood back at the cave Simba?

Eventually Simba comes around, but by the end he's proven that he is more like his uncle when it comes to judgement of character and less like his dad.

By the way, did they bury Mufasa? Or did they eat him? Just asking.

6: ZEUS HERCULES

Ignoring the fact that this movie plays more like a remake of Superman than it does telling the actualy mythological tales of Heracles, we have another fine example of a father who is so busy making an ass of himself he fails to see the coniving plotting uncle set up the demise of him and his new born son. How awful of a drunk do you have to be to ignore the fact that your brother who has fire for hair is probably evil? Hercules gets kidnapped because his bed is a mile's distance away from his mother and father's room. (Who are really brother and sister, but we're not going to talk about that now). And even though the plot failed to kill the tyke it left him with his god-like strength. When he's finally old enough to realize where he's from Zeus, his father appears to tell him that he can only return to Olympis if he can prove he's brave enough. What a dumb-ass rule that is, huh? What boner decided that was the case?

Uh, Zeus, you did! You're the father of the gods! If you didn't write the rules, who did? I'm sure your devestated that your son isn't beside you on Olympus to distract you from whoring it up with his mom (your sister), so why not just tell him, "Look you're gonna be down there for a while. I've got a ton of wild oats to sow and you're only going to get in the way. I'll see you next weekend!" Instead he makes his son risk life and limb for the better part of a decade and just when he's about to die, there you go. You can come back now.

What a dick.

5: MR. DARLING PETER PAN

You want to know how badly the Darling children hate their father? In every translation of the Peter Pan story, the dastardly, murderous, no good, evil Captain Hook looks just like the old man. What sort of sadistic transgressions are going on in the Darling household that the children imagine a world in which their father's hand is severed and fed to a crocodile? Was it the hand he beat them with? I'm hoping for a worst case scenario when my son is a young adult, that he'll call me a dick behind my back to his friends. I certainly hope he doesn't imagine in his childhood a place where I have limbs hacked off by his imaginary protector.

Mr. Darling is a monster.

4: GEPETTO PINOCCHIO

Gepetto is a lonely old man who talks to his cat and goldfish while he makes wooden puppets. He's so lonely that after finishing his latest puppet he wishes on a star, specifically, for this puppet to become his son. Lo and behold a fucking miracle happens. The puppet wakes up and starts calling the old man father. Holy hot shit! I have a son! Well off you go, into the world of 1800 Italy. You better get to school or you'll be late. Here's a book, and an apple for the teacher.

"Thank you father," Pinocchio responded before asking, "Now can you please tell me what the hell school, books, apples, and teachers are? You see I was just brought to life a scant four hours ago. I also have a head full of wood shavings and termite bites. I'm likely to get into trouble because even though I hear the words you're saying I have no context for what they actually mean. Does school mean rob a store? Does apple mean beat the homeless?"

After Gepetto sends Pinocchio to his probable doom, he's surprised that he doesn't return. Because he's old, he's surprised when he gets his shoes on the right foot. So what's he do? He packs up shop, including the cat and the fish, and takes to the high seas looking for his walking puppet. Then the dope gets swallowed by a whale. You know how all this could have been avoided? By home schooling the kid until he understood how the world works. But its hard to be angry at Gepetto, he was poor and thus probably didn't have access to a good education and couldn't develop critical thinking skills. Plus he's old, like really, really old.

3: SULTAN ALADDIN

Ugh, I have to get this bitch daughter of mine married off before she drives me insane! Is what I'm sure the Sultan was thinking while he introduced suitor after suitor to her. He didn't care for her happiness or if she actually loved any of the schmucks he kept presenting to her, he just wanted her and her damn tiger out of the house. You know what he was more interested in that the happiness of his only born child? His toys. He wanted to sit and play with puzzle pieces and put the idea of his daughter out of his head. So what if she married a guy who would beat the living crap out of her nightly, or make her one of seven wives that would have to fight for his affection, or maybe he would just behead her when she gave him a daughter instead of a son.

After Aladdin is revealed to be a phony prince, he sees how much his daughter loves this kid who has nothing to offer her. I guess the tramp is just going to move him and his monkey into the palace and eat all the Sultan's cheese and drink all the Sultan's beer. He seems to be fine with that, so he changes to law to say the princess can marry whomever she deems worthy. Why didn't the twerp do that in the first place? He's the Sultan, if he wanted he could have the villagers he's in charge of put death. Every last one of them. Wouldn't it have been a slap in Aladdin's face if she decided that after this law is changed she decided that Hakeem, the dude shoveling manure, was a better fit for her then good ol' Al?

2: SIR EDGAR THE SWORD IN THE STONE

Sir Edgar took young Wart, real name Arthur, in after his parents died. Not knowing that this boy was the future King of England he proceeded to treat the boy worse than a slave. But that's a story as old as time, the kid no one wants living in the house with the birth kids of the mean adults who are treated light years better than themselves. HA! You wish. Sir Edgar's birth child is the knight Kay. And the old man slaps him around like he caught the boy stealing coins from his purse. Just for fun! Arthur didn't have a chance in this house. And when he stands up to the old goat he gets "demerits" which I'm sure is code for violent and brutal beatings. As far as we can tell its just Sir Edgar, his son, and a washer woman living in the run down castle. A punishment for Arthur is to clean the dirty pots, pans, and dishes from dinner. When we see the mess its a freaking dungeon full of dirty crockery! Who the hell is eating that much all the time?

Probably the worst part of it, is that Sir Edgar thinks he's doing the boy a favor. He claps himself on the back for taking in the lad and giving him a place to stay and live. All the meanwhile if the kid has an hour for himself he thinks he's just woken up on Christmas morning with presents by the truck load to open. Only when Arthur is revealed king does the bastard beg his forgiveness. So he's completely aware that he's treating the boy like shit and the threat of jail, or worse is the only thing that makes him bend his knee and beg. The child would have been safer living with Madam Mim.

1: KING TRITON THE LITTLE MERMAID

In world history, it was not uncommon for a family to marry off their daughters as young as eleven years old to husbands who might have been as old as twenty or thirty. Maybe even older. I'm sure during the mid to late 1800's when Hans Christian Anderson was alive, this was still a fairly common practice. But if we're going to talk The Little Mermaid as Disney sees it, we're going to pretend they live in a world where they obey our laws and standards of decorum. So before we even delve into how Triton allows his sixteen year old daughter Ariel to not only live on land, but marry a man who looks twice her age we're going to examine why growing legs and getting up out of the ocean may have saved the young girl's life.

First, we know Triton has a temper. Its said so in the first few lines of dialouge in the movie. "King Trition must be in a fine mood today!" Says one sailor thankful for the good weather. Meaning that if he were pissed Trition would sink the ship they were on and claim every sould aboard for his own. Cock. We do learn that Triton is in a good mood. He's attending a concert being conducted by Sebastian the crab, and his daughters. The star of the show is Ariel, who is missing at the finale. The look of fear and utter terror that grips not just Sebastian but the rest of the ocean community. You know that Triton has taken that magic staff of his and laid waste to everything in his path.

Like he does when he discovers his daughter's hidden trove of land treasures. Holy barnacles of Neptune! Triton doesn't just decimate the items, he sacreligiously smites them, in front of her. Its a wonder that she and her friends didn't boil in the water as his temper flared. For everything you can say about Ursula being evil, to her credit she doesn't go out looking to cause mischief. The stupid and the desperate seek her out. But there's no running from Triton if he wants you dead, you're fucking dead.

Humility at the hands of Ursula makes him realize that maybe he shouldn't be quite so hard on his daughter. She loves this man she barely knows, so he grants her wish and gives her legs in place of a fin. The Prince marries her and they all live happily ever after.

By the way, do you think Triton even explained fish sex to Ariel? I'm guess no. He might have found it an awkward discussion to have, explaining the process of laying her eggs and a mer-man coming up behind her to fertilize them with his seed. If that was just too difficult a topic to breach, do you think the thought crossed his mind to try to explain human sex to her? An act I'm sure the human prince was expecting on their wedding night? What are the chances that as soon as he got a fraction of a centimeter in, she went screaming from the castle and threw herself back into the sea, only to drown because now she has lungs. Triton didn't think anything through, not one action from beginning to end. The other father's may not have listened or play close attention to their kids, but Triton was just the absolute worst example.

But hey, you can't judge. The lifestyle and customs of the mer-folk are there's and ours are ours. You cannot judge. Except King Triton. Go ahead and judge him.

THE 10 BEST DISNEY FATHERS.

Fathers play a huge role when it comes to Disney movies. Their actions, good or ill, always determine the lives of the hero of the story and set into play greater consequences that pay off the further into the tale we delve. Without the influence of the father chances are our hero would never set foot on the adventure that awaits and then we would have a really boring movie to watch. The Disney archive is full of fathers who go above and beyond the call, here are the top 10.

10: MR. INCREDIBLE THE INCREDIBLES. Put yourself in Bob Parr's shoes for a second. You're a young, virile, all together charming man. You're about to get married to your dream girl, you drive a fantastic car, and everybody seemes to love you. Oh, you're also a super hero. Then one day out of the blue, some douche nozzle with a death wish sues you because you sprained his neck while he was trying to kill himself. And because you live in America the courts allows this clearly frivolous lawsuit to happen and now you're public enemy number one. You have to take your brand new family underground and cow tow to the monotony of being average. You've literally become Henry Hill and now you have to wait in line for bread like a schnook. Now your middle aged, you've gained about thirty pounds, and all you want from life now is to be left alone.

You see the flaws in the world and the cracks of society start to get bigger. You see the rewards people give each other for doing things they are supposed to be doing, but your children who are truly exceptional must stifle their abilities in order to "fit in." This is the madness that Bob has to face as he is forced to disappear. And you know what? He's right. Dash and his school mates were moving up a grade, but were having a "graduation." Celebrating and rewarding the children for mundane tasks that they're suppose to accomplish per the law! It can be argued that Bob's love for his children at the start of the movie comes from petty and selfish reasons, and those are clearly his motives when he decides to adventure to Nomanisan Island for adventure and profit. This ultimately leads to his capture and more than likely death, but Bob is still living in Bob land.

Only when he thinks his entire family has been destroyed does he realize what's most important in his life. The strongest man on earth is literally crushed under the weight of his shattering heart. It can never be said that he didn't always love his kids, but its not until he's lost them that is stops being about him. Once reunited he admits to himself and his wife that he cannot bare the thought of losing them a second time and almost forces the three of them to sit out the finale. Honestly, if the strongest man on earth wanted to, he could make them sit it out. But because they work together as a functional, trusting family unit they are all allowed to reach their full potential and bring down the big bad. Providing what may be one of the greatest family lessons ever, that by helping each other and drawing upon one another there is nothing a family cannot accomplish.

9. KING STEFAN SLEEPING BEAUTY.

As a king, Stefan is not a very good one. After years of trying his family and kingdom is finally blessed with a daughter. This is a huge deal because the lack of an heir would mean the end of this family's particular reign. Considering the years of peace they've had the kingdom probably wants this famly to stay in charge for a while. When Aurora is born the people go nucking-futs. Everyone from every corner of the land is invited to celebrate the birth. Even three loopy, spinstress faries get an invite. I'm sure even the town horse inseminator got an invite and a seat at the banquet. If the horse inseminator got an invite and you didn't, you might be a little pissed off too. Which is exactly what Maleficent is. True, you might call her "evil", but its hard to be evil just because. Unless she's the devil's consort its hard to know what her motives for her attitude are. (I'm aware the new Maleficent movie explains these motives but seriously, screw that thing)

She's pissed because she didn't get invited to the biggest even in the kingdom since they discovered citrus warded off scurvy. Because she's so upset her magical gift to the child is that when she is sixteen years old she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel needle and die. King Stefan orders her arrest, but that's as futile as a bobby slapping handcuffs on Voldemort. King Stefan, again acting as a good father and not a good king, orders every spinning wheel in the kingdom destroyed. Ensuring that the people will have nothing to wear from this point forward, but at least his daughter will be safe. The good fairies are not so sure, and ask the King to take the child away until she's sixteen. Once she's sixteen and safe from Maleficent they will bring her back home with her parents.

What a terrible thing to ask of this man. How long had he been plugging away with his wife trying to conceive this child? I'm sure their love making began to feel more like a chore than a connective and vulnerable moment. And then he's finally given a child he's asked to relenqish her to the forest for sixteen years. Sixteen important years. This man wants to keep his daughter safe so much, that he's sacrificing his happiness for hers. Of course he's probably not thinking of the emotional damage she'll probably suffer when after sixteen years she's told that her existence is a lie, but no one thought of that stuff back then.

8: THOMAS O'MALLEY THE ARISTOCATS.

Thomas was a cat about town who owed nothing to anyone but himself. A bachelor until death was his life's ambition. He had connections all over France, knew the hottest bands and where to find them, and played by his own set of rules that included never looking further than a day ahead. Then a dame entered his life. Not just any dame because we can be sure that Thomas had cat bedded a few can-can cats along the way, this dame was the one. She's got it all, looks, grace, class, and kids. *Gulp*, well. Two of three ain't bad.

The confined family has no knowledge of how the world works. They were kidnapped by their master's jealous butler and were meant to be drowned but escaped. Not being able to put two and two together, they think if they can just get home everything will go back to the way it was. If by "the way it was" means the jackass butler will try to kill you again, then yes things will revert back to normalcy. Thomas however doesn't have that information, so he's going to get them home anyway. Once he does he is given an oppurtunity to join the family, but he knows himself and understands that this family is far better off without the likes of him and departs.

When he's just about as far away as he can get, he learns that they're back in trouble and the dude races back to them as fast as he can to ruin that asshole butler's day. Thomas chose to come back and chose to save this family. Which makes them his family by default. Thomas becomes the hero and protector they needed and when balanced with Dutchess is able to provide the kittens the balance needed to raise up functional members of society. When Thomas returns he proves that its not where we come from or the darkness of our past that determines who we are today. It's the choices we make that matter. Thomas chose a family and that makes him more of a father than the cat who knocked up Dutchess and split.

7: MUFASA THE LION KING

"WHAT!" I can hear you saying. "Mufasa died for his kid, he should be way higher than number 7!" I agree. Mufasa paid the ultimate price for the safety of his son and that kind of sacrifice transcends love. It is the most selfless act any parent can perform. But if Mufasa had been a more observant father he could have avoided his demise entirely and therefor be with his son all the rest of his long days. If Mufasa had been wiser he would have ripped his brother Scar's throat out when Simba was born. What kind of responsible father let's his son hang out with Uncle Scar anyway? Did Uncle Child Molester die in the cave fire of 89'?

Mufasa ranks where he does because he didn't live long enough to provide any further help to his son. Which is not to say his advice he did manage to bestow wasn't good. It was great! What young boy doesn't need to hear, "being brave doesn't mean you go looking for danger"? He's also the only father I know of in the Disney universe that had the balls to explain death to a child that doesn't even know where the sun goes at night.

Lest we forget how heroically he dove into the stampeding herd of wildebeasts to save Simba and then to climb a rock face with just his claws! Holy hell, that's a man you model yourself after. But the tragedy of his death isn't that he leaves his son behind to the uncertainty of Uncle Nephew Killer, I mean Scar, the tragedy is that he left Simba with way too many lessons untaught. Those lessons were needed, man. Like desperately needed. He needed to smack his idiot son around and make a man (er, lion) out of him so bad that he broke through the black veil of the afterlife to let him know he didn't approve of him hanging around with hippies while their home and family was going to shit. So powerful was his presence that Simba dropped the bong, roused the help of an old karate master that wasn't Mr. Miyagi, and even got his two loust about friends to risk their lives for him. All because a cloud that looked like his dad was pissed.

6: KERCHAK TARZAN

Kerchak has seen things, man. He's been through the gutter and back and emerged without the thousand yard stare. That alone is enough for high praise. His months old son is eaten by the ghoulish cheetah Sabor, his wife brings home a funny hairless, pink ape to raise, and he still has to be responsible to the troop of gorillas he leads. He's got so much on his plate that when this thing that isn't his son tries to fit in, he just can't allow him in. As Tarzan grows he desperately seeks the approval of Kerchak who maintains that there is nothing on earth that could ever make him call Tarzan son. Tarzan is just too different, and being awkward and uncoordinated doesn't help his standing. But Kerchak's opinon of him s rocked when Tarzan protects the family from the same cheetah that robbed him of his birth parents, and Kerchak of his birth son. In fact, their relationship could have possibly turned a corner as Kerchak started to respect Tarzan.

But then other men show up in the jungle, including a woman. Now Tarzan can't help but confused, and revert back to his irresponsible ways. Kerchak flat out warns him that these men will endanger the family, but because he's naive Tarzan doesn't listen and leads the strangers into his family's nest. Of course his family is in danger as they begin to be kidnapped. Tarzan leaps into action and is about to be killed until Kerchak takes the hit for him. He dies, but not before aknowledging Tarzan as his son.

This is a father that gave his everything to keep his family safe. And we're not talking about his blood family, but the family of gorillas that look to him for leadership. Many lives depend on Kerchak's ability to keep them safe and it was a responsibility he did not take lightly. After Tarzan kills Sabor part of Kerchak softens, but not the part that allows him to be a successful leader. In the end even though Tarzan screwed up, Kerchak saw in him a son and bestowed the safety of the family to him. Revealing that he loved the boy all along.

5: DJANGO RATATOUILLE

Another leader of a family that is require more responsibility than should be allowed. Django is the leader of a very large rat colony as well as father to Remy and Emile. Being the leader of a family as large as this means that things like dreams, and desires just aren't a reality. Surviving is what is real. So when your son reveals he can sniff out poison, put that talent to work boy! You're going to sit here and sniff everything we pass in front of you so we know whether or not we're going to die. But Remy's real passion is to dine not to feed. To cook not scavenge. None of this Django would ever be able to understand, and rightfully so. Django has the unfortunate task of looking at the bigger picture.

So when fate decides to split Remy from Django, Remy gets to live out his dream while his father worries day and night for him. He is elated finally, to be reunited with his son but insists that he come back home. Defiant, pubescent, what-have-you, Remy resists and continues on with the new life he's created for himself.

But when push comes to shove and he needs help the most, whose there by his side? Yup, dad. "We may not be chefs, but we are family. You tell us what you need and we'll get it done." Django always puts the safety of the colony above all else, but as it turns out not even that can keep down the love he has for his son. And if cooking is Remy's dream than Django is going to be there for him 100%.

4: MR. FLAVERSHAM THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE.

We have no idea what happened to Mrs. Flaversham, with it being 1859 London we can assume it was some horrible disease that claimed her. Regardless, Mr. Flaversham is left with his daughter Olivia and all he wants to do is build toys and take care of his daughter. Leave it to Mouse-doms greatest villain to concoct a plan that would require the hapless toy maker's assistance. Faced with a villain at the door, Flaversham hides Olivia and whisked away to the lair of Professor Ratigan. He is given a choice, aid Ratigan in his evil scheme or die.

At first, Flaversham complies, as he doesn't want to be killed. But when things take a turn he forfeits his life in an attempt to foil the Professor's evil scheme. But Ratigan isn't called an evil genius for nothing. He informs the simple inventor that he will go along with the plan, or he will take Olivia. Beaten, Flaversham continues.

Only at the crux of the story, once he's got Olivia back and safe does he continue with foiling Ratigan at every turn. His love for his daughter so big that he almost commited treason, but bravely stepped up to the plate and participated willingly in Ratigan's downfall once he knew his daughter was safe. Showing her that as simple a toy maker as he may be, he is no less braver that Basil the Great Mouse Detective.

3: MARLIN FINDING NEMO.

Marlin started off as the biggest puss in the ocean, but by the time has "Found Nemo" he is the biggest badass in the ocean. This is a father who lost 99.9% of his family in one fell swoop, his son being the only surviving member of what can be considered an act of terrorism. This stunted Marlin emotionally to the point where he saw danger in just about every miniscule bit of life. But when his son is stolen from him, all that flies out the window as he charges head first into open water to save him. He's unsuccessful in the attempt at first, but that's because he hasn't changed his thinking yet. Only when all hope seems lost and the ever glaring truth of life stares him in the face, the truth that we aren't meant to know what paths our future will lead us on, does he accept the things he cannot change.

He accepts this truth to the point that he implicitly trusts his handicapped son to save the life of their friend Dory. Marlin relenquished his fear and in doing so becamse a stronger father, and grew closer to his son than he ever thought possible.

2: MAURICE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Maurice is hapless, and old. He knows this. So when he finds himself in the dungeon of a monster he accepts the fate. Better him than his daughter Belle, who is young and has so much to look forward too. What he didn't count on was his daughter coming to find him, and he especially wasn't prepared to offer the monster a trade. Her life instead of his. The beast agrees and tosses the old man out into the cold of winter while keeping Belle as his prisoner.

Old he still may be, but dammit his daughter is locked up in the cell of a creature. After unsuccessfully imploring the humanity of the township he decides that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. He packs up what little he can and marches off into the woods to find his daughter. Forgetting that he's old and sick. To his last breath he crawls through the forest floor amongst the snow and wolves that beckon him towards death. He was going to free his daughter or die trying, the latter being the most likely. What was his plan if he actually were to reach the castle? Overpower the seven foot tall monster while coughing his lungs all over the floor? That part of the plan didn't matter, because his fierce determination and love for his daughter is what kept him going. Even as he walked up and rung death's doorbell.

As he recovered, though his opinion of the beast was slightly jaded he still listened to what his daughter had to say. When the rest of the town was calling for the beasts head to be grusomely torn from his body, he chose to believe his daughter. Thank goodness he did too! Or else that particular district of France wouldn't have had its king back after forgetting about him twenty-one years ago when he was turned into the monster in the first place. When he was eleven years old.

Do the math, that's how f'ed up it is. The kid was 11 years old when he was transformed into the beast.

1: CRUSH FINDING NEMO.

Crush is 150 years old by the time we meet him. That means this dude has had plenty of time to learn what it means to be a good dad. An asset he demonstrates proudly to Marlin upon their meeting when his son Squirt is tossed from the safety of the EAC. Marlin in a panic literally craps himself in a desperate attempt to swim off and save the young turtle. But the strong patient fin of the lad's father holds him back. "Let's see what little Squirt can do on his own." He says. He allows the child to find his footing himself and the tot swims back into the safety of the current and by his father's side. His father who joins in the celebration of being able to do soemthing on his own.

As old as Crush is, he understands that he won't be around his on forever. At some point Squirt is going to go off and sire little Jr. Squirts of his own. If he leaves unprepared for the harsh cruelty of the world, chances are he won't survive. But if he's armed with knowledge, and skill his chances of living increase tenfold. That should be the point every father in this list should take. The father's role is to love his child unconditionally, as all in this list have, but to also prepare their child for life without them. No one can live forever, and eventually children will find themselves alone. How do we want them to be? Floundering because they've never tested their skills? Or thriving because they've succeeded or failed by their own doing? Did they learn anything? Or did we just do everything for them?

Crush succeeds above all others because he knows that there are bad times along with the good times. And to leave this world without teaching children anything is cruel. He watches his son earn the skills he fights for, but is ever ready with love and tenderness to protect him as well. Crush is arming Squirt with everything he needs to make it, and that is why the dude always prevails.